Good and Bad

So Friday night I was in floods of tears. No reason, just exhausted. And I was thinking about it Saturday morning and realised what's different. I don't feel like I have a cold or some other virus, but I'm not improving having spent 3 days really quiet. Why so exhausted then? Relapse. At least that's what I'm pretty sure it is. Which is bad news. Really bad with Spring Harvest less than a month away. *sigh* however, thinking about it is just going to stress me out further, again, and that's not going to help.

Saturday was strange. I was actually seriously considering cancelling my riding lesson. That doesn't come easy! But my dad was nice enough to offer to take me, so I went. And found to my surprise that of the 5 of us that should have been in the lesson, there were just 2. Now, I ride at an RDA, Riding for the Disabled Association, so they deal with lots of people who have good and bad days, and people who are much more disabled than I am. And they are really, really lovely people there! So when I told my instructors that I wasn't very well I was given the option of staying in the arena and practising the dressage test the other woman needed to practise, or I could go for a wander outside. The weather was really nice and cause I felt like crap, going out for a hack, just walking around the woods a bit, sounded perfect. So I did and Poppy, normally a fizzy speed machine, was a total gem! She happily wandered along, following the instructor who came with me, not fussing at anything. Then when we got back, there was still about 10 mins of the lesson left, so I did a little bit of trot work with the other rider to finish. And yikes, Poppy is a different horse without an arena full of friends. She stays calm and responsive, and just works for you. Exactly what I needed.

So my prayers were answered there :)

*grumble grumble*

I'm at a point right now where good stuff coming up is jsut making me want to slam my head against a brick wall. I've had enough. I'm exhausted. No more.

There is a lot of stuff going on in the next 6 weeks and each new thing that comes up is making me want to cry. I'm not coping to well with it all. Again. Pretty much the only thing keeping a smile on my face is riding. What's really bothering me? Spring Harvest.

I've been to Spring Harvest the past two years. The first year I was at the highest point I've been since I got CFS and I coped really well, had a great time and had no hesitations on going the following year. Except by April last year I'd relapsed massivly and going really wasn't in my best interests. But I went anyway. I had fun with the girls I shared a caravan with, but the whole thing was way, way too much. Like half the group I came back with flu. Flu that kept me ill for about a month. Not fun.

This year, I'm still really not well and probably actually worse than last year. I want to go. I want to have a good time but right now all I can see is a week full of things I'll feel I have to do reguardless of how I feel and I know I'll be really ill by the time I come home. And seeing as that's 2 days before my 21st birthday, I'm not really looking forward to that.

There is a lot I need to fit in before I go too, so even though it's 4 and a half weeks away, all I'm going is stressing about it. I just don't want to know. I don't want to think about it. I can't think of it as a good thing right now, I can only think of it as a big bad thing and I want nothing to do with it.

Do I have any chance of recovering enough between now and then to even half enjoy it? Highly unlikely. Making it one of many things that should be a really great thing, but become really bad thanks to CFS. Oh the joy.

Good Days Never Start With Spilt Milk

That's how my day started, and it didn't improve. Clearing up spilt milk and a broken bottle may not seem like a whole lot, but when you have CFS and your muscles protest at working before you can really wake up, it becomes a bit of a pain. Literally. Not to mention energy sapping.

So not a good start to the day. And it really hasn't improved. I've been in a crappy mood all day and don't really know why. It was a little better at lunch time, playing with Breeze and Red helped, but I soon got annoyed again. Exhaustion creeping in again I suspect.

At least dying my hair yesterday was a good choice. I think I'd class the color as purple, but it is a little hard to tell. It could be classed as pink. Either way, I really like it. It won't stay, I'll let it go natural again once it washes out, too much hassle dying it to do it too often, but I shall enjoy it while it lasts.

Havn't been about to write anything for a, um, maybe a week. That's pretty frustrating too and not helping matters. And I can't settle in to reading right now either, which is a sure sign that something isn't quite right. Happens from time to time, where unless its a new book that I'm desperate to read, I just can't settle to anything. It'll pass soon enough, but not being able to settle to anything, reading, writing or otherwise, means I start thinking too much. Getting more and more wound up in my thoughts, making bad days like this even worse. Shouldn't let it. Should just accept that it's a bad day and move on. But I can't. I think too much.

Going to go feed my rabbits now, get some ice cream (ultimate comfort food) and try and read for a bit before bed. Maybe.