Speak Loudly. Post 2

I wasn't going to do this. I really, really wasn't. But people far braver than I, people with far bigger reason to speak up have so how can I stay quiet?

The SpeakLoudly hashtag on Twitter has been going crazy all day. If you don't know the story yet, read the post where it started on Laurie Halse Anderson's blog.

The posts that have brought me to write this are:
C. J. Redwine, a rape survivor and Christian.
Myra McEntire, another Christian view.
Veronica Roth, with her Christian view.
A Pinch Of Panache, Lindsey, with her open letter to Wesley Scroggins, another Christian view.

Can you see where this is going yet? They have all written posts far more eloquent than this will be, but I can't stay quiet. Bare with me cause this will be messy and seem really pointless to start with. It's rough and I'm not going to bother editing it.

I am a Christian. I am a ME/CFS sufferer. I have suffered since I was 11 years old, that's 10 and half years now. More. It'll be 11 in January. What does this mean? It means I am not 'normal'. My body can't cope with life. I get exhausted from simple things, doing laundry, reading a book, sitting up in bed. Not, sleep-will-cure exhaustion. I mean, physically can't lift your arm, you leg, your head exhaustion. The kind that comes with burning muscle pain, headaches, brain fog that means I can't form simple sentences. Can't tolerate sound, light, certain materials on my skin. Body can't control it's own temperature, so often to hot or can't stop shivering. Can't think. Can't sleep. Can't go to school, hang out with friends, can't have a life.

I missed 4 straight months of my first year of high school. I lost all my friends. I suffered depression on and off for most of these years. A darkness that had me taking a knife to my wrists on more than one occasion. Doctors who couldn't do anything. A younger sister who thought it was unfair I got to stay home when she had to go to school, unaware of my pain, how lonely and isolated I was. My parents couldn't stay home with me, they had to work. So it was just me. At 11, all through my teens, all through school, home alone. I did manage to pick up 4 GCSE's with the help of a special school program. I was there 1-3 half days a week for a year at 14/15 and 3 half days a week at 15/16, and they got me through exams. A semblance of normal.

I started college, full time, a dumb idea but I wanted to work with horses so dammit I was going to learn real management of them. Failed. Couldn't cope. Took more and more sick days until I had to drop out. Twice. Two years running. Depression reigns. Still couldn't keep a friend. Didn't know how to talk to anyone. Too different. No one understood. So I stayed quiet. Tried to be as 'normal' as I could be. Very unsuccessfully. Everyone just thought me more and more strange. How could they without having it themselves? That list above of symptoms, all of which I've had to greater and lesser degrees over the years? You think you know, but trust me, unless you have it, you can't, not fully. I don't say that to be harsh, it's just a simple truth, one I've had to come to terms with and accept.

Went to church as a kid, every week. Mum's a Christian, so of course I went. Got sick and started to wonder, how could there be a God when I was so sick? When I was so alone and couldn't keep a friend? When I was as far from normal as I believed possible? What was wrong with me? If there really was a God, he certainly didn't care about me. I am in tears writing this. Again. I've done it before, not online but for my Baptism, and it was one of the hardest things I've done. I think this may be harder.

I got, kind of forced, though unintentionally, by people my mum knew at church to join the new youth group format, small groups, once a week, a bit of a chat, bible study, talk, prayer and social, depending on the week. It coincided with the start of college, the first time. And it was okay. Turned out, as much an outsider as I felt, it was okay. But I still didn't really believe. Or I thought so, but how can you be angry at something you don't believe? Anyway, I went, I didn't really connect with anyone, but I liked learning, I liked talking with the leaders. At that point I was far more adept at talking to adults than teens who had no worries, or that was my take. I was young, scared, depressed and very naive, forgive me. Over time though, I realised I'd stopped being mad and started to believe. Really believe. I started to pray, alone not just when I was told to. I started to worship. And there is where I really met God and came to know him.

A loving, forgiving God. A God who doesn't hate. Doesn't censor. Doesn't turn His back on anyone. I grew and grew in my faith. Through a second drop out at college. Through more depression. I came closer to God. I was baptised and I made friends, at long last, who seemed to get it enough, that it seemed to be okay with. But the real breaking point? The one where I knew, no matter what, God was there, and He always would be. Was the night I got the news the person responsible for helping me come back to God, for helping me learn to speak out, to not keep my illness quiet, had had an affair. To say I was devastated is an understatement. I was shaking too hard, in shock, that mum had to drive me to that nights meeting. There was a youth meeting that night, where the minister and his wife came in, answered all questions people had, and then prayed. And they prayed that those who offered the problem, the hurt up to God, would be okay. And I did, I prayed that, because I knew there was no way in hell I could get through that alone. And the tears that hadn't stopped flowing, stopped. I felt more at peace then than I had ever felt til that point. And the depression was gone, it hasn't been back since.

And I am Free. I can Speak. I can finally talk about my illness, my depression, the pain, the anger, the hurt, the loneliness, the fear. I am not a perfect Christian, not by a long shot, and no such person exists. I sin, regularly, but I repent. I love God, I praise Him when things are bad and when they're good. Because without Him I wouldn't be here. Without Him, I would be lost in a dark, dark world. I have some really great online and real life friends now who I can talk with about anything and everything. I have a future because of God. He never turned from me, I turned from Him. He was always waiting, reaching for me. And I will never forget those times where prayed has pulled me from darker days again.

That's my story. That's me Speaking out. Speaking Loudly. Because I can. Because it's my choice, my right, and I should never have had to hide. Not what I deal with, not that I suffer, far more than I said for many, many years. I am stronger, in mind if not body, for Speaking out. It's raised awareness with those I love. It's raised my awareness of the suffering of others. You know what I did when I was too old for that youth group? I started helping. The first year I did was the year leading up to that disclosure that almost destroyed me but became my healing. The second was dealing with the fallout, the healing, and the third I had to stop because it was too much. But it was great, I learnt a lot, about God, about those around me and I am so, so glad I was there.

My suffering is not what Melinda's was in Speak, or C.J.'s in reality, along with thousands more, women, girls, boys and men. But I was suffering, and I was doing it in silence. Speak is about Speaking out. Not hiding. Not ignoring the reality of the world that surrounds us. I want every victim to be able to stand up and say 'I'm a survivor'. Speak could help people, teens, children, do just that. How is banning a book that could help a good idea? How is the book immoral? Because I don't see it. Not at all. Speak out, and Speak Loud. Because anything else will destroy lives. I believe in a God who wants that. I believe in a God who heals. Bad shit happens, to good people and bad. It happens to those from all races, religions, rich and poor. I wish our world was a better place, and things like this, like hiding the truth because someone doesn't want to believe it happens (and I can only assumes that's the reality, because anything else is tragic), is just going to hurt and make it worse. Speak Out, Speak Loud and don't ever, ever stop. Rape isn't sex. Rape is Rape. It's violent and ugly. It's something the victim is never, NEVER responsible for. Speak Out. This one man wants us all to shut up. Not. Fucking. Likely. Been there, done that, it doesn't work, it makes life miserable, unbearable.

If you made it to the end of this, I thank you. My faith is something that rarely makes it on to my blog. It's personal and complicated and I rarely know what to say. But like I said, far better people than I have spoken out today, how can I not.

Speak Loudly [edited]

To say I'm disgusted right now would be an understatement. You may well have caught sight of this on Twitter already, but I'm bringing it up here as well.

It's September and those who would ban books are at it. One guy, Wesley Scroggins, has called to have Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson banned (as well as others, but having not read them I can't comment on them specifically). He has an article here, in which he calls two rape scenes 'soft core porn'. There is nothing, nothing, sexually stimulating about rape scenes. And for him to think so raises serious, awful questions.

For those who don't know, here's a short, spoiler full description:

Speak is about a girl who was raped at a party, called 911 but couldn't talk to the police. It's about her coming to terms with it, the isolation, fear, memories she has to deal with and face. And the ability to learn to stand up. To speak out. To say that rape is not okay. That saying no, means no. It's a brave and very good book which should help teens in those situations to speak out. To not suffer in silence. To begin discussion on what is often a subject turned away from when it should be talked about. For healing, for information, for support.

Banning it can, in my mind, only hurt. It's ignorance like this that makes subjects that should be open and disscussed, stay hidden in the shadows. It's dangerous. To use some of the words and phrases this guy did to justify it? Like I said, disgusted doesn't cover it.

Here's a link to Laurie's post on the subject. And if you agree, don't stay quiet. Speak Loudly. [EDIT] Check out the comments for links to other posts about the subject. Some really great posts.

This is one such post which brought me to tears. A very heartfelt, gutsy post on Christianity, faith, Speak and Speaking Loudly. Read it here. I completely agree with it all, and as a Christian myself, I am in awe of the strength it takes to be that open and honest about faith.

Hunger Games Fans Be Warned!!!

Carla over at The Crooked Shelf has very unfortunately found a spoilerific review of Mockingjay on Goodreads! She's doing her best to get the word around with twitter and her blog and I'm doing the same because I would be just as devastated and angry as she very rightly is. Her reaction post is here and if anyone thinks she's out of line, you're nuts. I'm staying off Goodreads until after I've read Mockingjay and if you don't want to risk spoilers, I advise you do the same!!

How someone can think it's okay to post a spoiler heavy review of a book that is Embargoed until release and the author herself has requested people not ruin the outcome for anyone else I don't know!!! So freaking furious about it and I've not even had it spoiled for me. I had the outcome of Harry Potter 5 spoiled for me when it first came out and that was bad enough. I loathe spoilers for a very good freaking reason and I wish everyone else was the same. Most book lovers are, but some ignorant people really don't care about ruining something for others and I just honestly don't understand it. /rant

Oh, I am btw going to be offline Tues/Weds til I've finished Mockingjay for this very reason. If it wasn't for knowing all the people I follow on twitter respect people who loathe spoilers even if they'll read them themselves, I'd be off there now til I was done. Ugh. Okay, /rant for real this time.

M.E./CFS

Today is international M.E./CFS awareness day. Why am I blogging about this instead of writing the review I owe or finishing The Ambassador's Mission by Trudi Canavan? Because I suffer from ME/CFS and have done for well over 10 years now. It's an illness that's meant I missed most of high school, dropped out of college (twice) have very few RL friends and live about 80% of my life in my bedroom.

It's an illness that little is known about, often passed off as being 'in the mind'. In otherwords, most people (that includes doctors) think it's faked. Bullshit. That's all I have to say to that. No one wants to live their life like this. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. So as today is international awareness day, I'm telling you all a little about it.

This illness, like any other chronic debilitating illness, can't be understood by someone who doesn't have it. But there is a woman who suffers from Lupus who did a damn good job of explaining what living with such an illness is like to a friend of hers. If you've read this far in my post I would please urge you to carry on and read the story she has to tell here. It may mean little to you, but it means a lot to me. I've suffered mostly in silence as most sufferers do, but if I can help just one person have a little more understanding and sympathy towards those who suffer chronic illness then this post was more than worth it. Another post that should be checked out is this one here containing a list of 25 things you never knew about ME/CFS. Thanks for reading :)