On Faith and Family...

Challenges of.

My sister and I have not had the best relationship. We are very different people and we don't get along particularly well as a result. Mostly, we get on okay, but not well. Occasionally we have times where we get on really well and are able to have a great time. Occasionally we have days where we fight and she tells me how she really feels. Today is one of those days.

M.E. is an incredibly hard illness to deal with. It's hard on the sufferer and family equally. Family can't understand without having it, though they may try. My sister is not one of those people. She doesn't try to understand, she's happy to believe what she wants to. She believes that because I don't go trying every new and odd (and expensive) therapy for M.E. I don't want to get better. Because I choose to trust in God I don't want to get better. Because to her, He doesn't exist. She can't, or won't, see what He's done for me.

Healing is strange. You can be praying for one thing and get an answer in a completely different way. That's whats been happening to me the last year or so. I've prayed for healing and gotten it. But not physically. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I'm not struggling with depression through this relapse for the first time. I'm not ignoring the approaching future. I have no idea whats going to happen, but it doesn't matter. I'm planning what I can. Trips to major horse events for example. Just stuff I want to do, and I'm not going to let having M.E. stop me. Why should it? So I'll be sicker afterwards, so what? Totally worth it. Badminton horse trials was.

My sister sees me home everyday, reading or online, and thinks that's all I want. That I'm lying when I say I want to get better. The truth is I want to get better. I want to go work on a yard somewhere, spend my time with horses. But am I bothered being ill? No. She's sees me home and sees someone who doesn't want to get better. The truth is I want to get better. But I'm not so bothered in the mean time. God's keeping me going, giving me good stuff to get through the bad. I can see a light at the end of the tunnel as it were. To me, it seems that she thinks that's not how it should be, that if I really want to get better I should be miserable the whole time. Been there. Didn't do a damn thing. In fact, stopped me doing stuff to help too. Half the battle with M.E. is staying positive. To not completely give up. Now I'm in a good place. And He's gotten me there.

You may wonder why the hell I'm writing this. Truth? I couldn't find the words to say this to her in person. I'm much better on paper (or screen) than with real words.

I don't mind being challenged in my faith. People can sit there and tell me God's not doing anything for me cause I'm still ill, but it's as much crap as they say my faith is. I can't list everything he's done for me. God works in mysterious ways. You don't always get the answer you want from prayer, but it's usually the one you need. Even if it takes a while to see it.

Good and Bad

So Friday night I was in floods of tears. No reason, just exhausted. And I was thinking about it Saturday morning and realised what's different. I don't feel like I have a cold or some other virus, but I'm not improving having spent 3 days really quiet. Why so exhausted then? Relapse. At least that's what I'm pretty sure it is. Which is bad news. Really bad with Spring Harvest less than a month away. *sigh* however, thinking about it is just going to stress me out further, again, and that's not going to help.

Saturday was strange. I was actually seriously considering cancelling my riding lesson. That doesn't come easy! But my dad was nice enough to offer to take me, so I went. And found to my surprise that of the 5 of us that should have been in the lesson, there were just 2. Now, I ride at an RDA, Riding for the Disabled Association, so they deal with lots of people who have good and bad days, and people who are much more disabled than I am. And they are really, really lovely people there! So when I told my instructors that I wasn't very well I was given the option of staying in the arena and practising the dressage test the other woman needed to practise, or I could go for a wander outside. The weather was really nice and cause I felt like crap, going out for a hack, just walking around the woods a bit, sounded perfect. So I did and Poppy, normally a fizzy speed machine, was a total gem! She happily wandered along, following the instructor who came with me, not fussing at anything. Then when we got back, there was still about 10 mins of the lesson left, so I did a little bit of trot work with the other rider to finish. And yikes, Poppy is a different horse without an arena full of friends. She stays calm and responsive, and just works for you. Exactly what I needed.

So my prayers were answered there :)