Quiet

Hey all, wanted to post a little explanation about why the blog has been so quiet lately. I've picked up a lot of new followers lately and yet my post count has dropped pretty seriously, which isn't cool, I know. Its for a combination of reasons, one being I've read quite a few 2011 ARC's lately, and I'd rather wait until closer to release dates to post them, so I've had less in the way of new reviews to share, and when I'm not sharing many reviews, I don't take part in as many meme posts. I like meme's, they're fun and a cool way to see what others are reading/getting/think whatever, but they are something that should be strictly in addition to regular blog content.

The other reason is that I've been really ill lately. If you've been following me a while, you'll probably know I've got CFS/ME. To cut a long story short, it means exhaustion rules my life, along with muscle pains, headaches and brain fog, all of which stop me reading as much as I'd like, and lately have seriously slowed my reading pace down. All those things also make blogging hard for the same reasons. I know the cause for this recent downturn and it's one that truly sucks for me. I've spent the past week unable to leave the house, and not particularly caring because I couldn't face the idea of leaving either. That's not like me, normally I get cabin fever within a couple days, despite my body telling me it's not up to going out. Been a very, very bad week. The worst I've had in a very long time.

So between the two, I've been really quiet on here. I apologise for that, I wish like hell it was different, but it's something I can't help. I hope you'll all bare with me, I will get through this bad patch and reading/blogging pace will pick up again soon, because I love sharing what I'm reading and interacting with the various people I meet on here. For those who are sticking with me, don't forget my 100 Followers giveaway currently going on. Just a week left to enter now!

M.E./CFS

Today is international M.E./CFS awareness day. Why am I blogging about this instead of writing the review I owe or finishing The Ambassador's Mission by Trudi Canavan? Because I suffer from ME/CFS and have done for well over 10 years now. It's an illness that's meant I missed most of high school, dropped out of college (twice) have very few RL friends and live about 80% of my life in my bedroom.

It's an illness that little is known about, often passed off as being 'in the mind'. In otherwords, most people (that includes doctors) think it's faked. Bullshit. That's all I have to say to that. No one wants to live their life like this. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. So as today is international awareness day, I'm telling you all a little about it.

This illness, like any other chronic debilitating illness, can't be understood by someone who doesn't have it. But there is a woman who suffers from Lupus who did a damn good job of explaining what living with such an illness is like to a friend of hers. If you've read this far in my post I would please urge you to carry on and read the story she has to tell here. It may mean little to you, but it means a lot to me. I've suffered mostly in silence as most sufferers do, but if I can help just one person have a little more understanding and sympathy towards those who suffer chronic illness then this post was more than worth it. Another post that should be checked out is this one here containing a list of 25 things you never knew about ME/CFS. Thanks for reading :)

Apparently Having a Bad Night...

Apologies for once more intruding on reviews with my mess of a life, but I'm going to post this link anyways seeing as it's for my other blog. I just started it.

Basically, I'm having a crap night. A bad night with M.E. is...well, go read this, it might show you what it's like, or maybe just a glimpse. Life with a chronic illness is...pretty hard to describe, but this is just some of what I deal with.

http://life-with-m-e.blogspot.com/

If I have a separate blog to rant about life with M.E., then I'll keep it off here, so this is better and you guys won't get any more of my going on about being ill. Yay! *snort*

Going shopping for lots of books this week. Or in theory. May have to just order them.

Either way, will have 'Frostbitten' by Kelley Armstrong in the next few days and will have a review for that at least up this week. Maybe some others too, but we'll see.

This has become...

...an unintentional habit. For which I apologise and ask you to bear with me.

Anyone who's followed this blog for a little while will realise I've put barely any reviews up of late which is odd. And if you've followed it longer than that (or just read older posts) you'll know I suffer from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (or M.E. as it's also known). Basically what happened is about a month ago I relapsed pretty badly. I get exhausted doing far less then I was before (and even then I couldn't do much) and I'm having to deal with a lot of headaches and brain fog again.

That makes it hard for me to sit and read for hours at a time and to write reviews as well. So in the last month, I've not read much at all. Or I've been rereading snippets of favourite books instead of new ones. So instead of me reading two or three books a week, I've read about 3 in 3 weeks. All it means for the blog is that for the time being, there will be fewer reviews coming. I'll get past this bad point or at least relearn how to keep going while this ill, and the pace will pick up again. I'm not abandoning the blog by any means, just can't put the energy in to reading or writing as I need right now.

Oh, and yeah, layout change. Been meaning to change things for a while, still not totally happy with it but it'll do for now.

Update over :)

On Faith and Family...

Challenges of.

My sister and I have not had the best relationship. We are very different people and we don't get along particularly well as a result. Mostly, we get on okay, but not well. Occasionally we have times where we get on really well and are able to have a great time. Occasionally we have days where we fight and she tells me how she really feels. Today is one of those days.

M.E. is an incredibly hard illness to deal with. It's hard on the sufferer and family equally. Family can't understand without having it, though they may try. My sister is not one of those people. She doesn't try to understand, she's happy to believe what she wants to. She believes that because I don't go trying every new and odd (and expensive) therapy for M.E. I don't want to get better. Because I choose to trust in God I don't want to get better. Because to her, He doesn't exist. She can't, or won't, see what He's done for me.

Healing is strange. You can be praying for one thing and get an answer in a completely different way. That's whats been happening to me the last year or so. I've prayed for healing and gotten it. But not physically. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I'm not struggling with depression through this relapse for the first time. I'm not ignoring the approaching future. I have no idea whats going to happen, but it doesn't matter. I'm planning what I can. Trips to major horse events for example. Just stuff I want to do, and I'm not going to let having M.E. stop me. Why should it? So I'll be sicker afterwards, so what? Totally worth it. Badminton horse trials was.

My sister sees me home everyday, reading or online, and thinks that's all I want. That I'm lying when I say I want to get better. The truth is I want to get better. I want to go work on a yard somewhere, spend my time with horses. But am I bothered being ill? No. She's sees me home and sees someone who doesn't want to get better. The truth is I want to get better. But I'm not so bothered in the mean time. God's keeping me going, giving me good stuff to get through the bad. I can see a light at the end of the tunnel as it were. To me, it seems that she thinks that's not how it should be, that if I really want to get better I should be miserable the whole time. Been there. Didn't do a damn thing. In fact, stopped me doing stuff to help too. Half the battle with M.E. is staying positive. To not completely give up. Now I'm in a good place. And He's gotten me there.

You may wonder why the hell I'm writing this. Truth? I couldn't find the words to say this to her in person. I'm much better on paper (or screen) than with real words.

I don't mind being challenged in my faith. People can sit there and tell me God's not doing anything for me cause I'm still ill, but it's as much crap as they say my faith is. I can't list everything he's done for me. God works in mysterious ways. You don't always get the answer you want from prayer, but it's usually the one you need. Even if it takes a while to see it.

*grumble grumble*

I'm at a point right now where good stuff coming up is jsut making me want to slam my head against a brick wall. I've had enough. I'm exhausted. No more.

There is a lot of stuff going on in the next 6 weeks and each new thing that comes up is making me want to cry. I'm not coping to well with it all. Again. Pretty much the only thing keeping a smile on my face is riding. What's really bothering me? Spring Harvest.

I've been to Spring Harvest the past two years. The first year I was at the highest point I've been since I got CFS and I coped really well, had a great time and had no hesitations on going the following year. Except by April last year I'd relapsed massivly and going really wasn't in my best interests. But I went anyway. I had fun with the girls I shared a caravan with, but the whole thing was way, way too much. Like half the group I came back with flu. Flu that kept me ill for about a month. Not fun.

This year, I'm still really not well and probably actually worse than last year. I want to go. I want to have a good time but right now all I can see is a week full of things I'll feel I have to do reguardless of how I feel and I know I'll be really ill by the time I come home. And seeing as that's 2 days before my 21st birthday, I'm not really looking forward to that.

There is a lot I need to fit in before I go too, so even though it's 4 and a half weeks away, all I'm going is stressing about it. I just don't want to know. I don't want to think about it. I can't think of it as a good thing right now, I can only think of it as a big bad thing and I want nothing to do with it.

Do I have any chance of recovering enough between now and then to even half enjoy it? Highly unlikely. Making it one of many things that should be a really great thing, but become really bad thanks to CFS. Oh the joy.

Too Much, Too Much!!

Is basically what my body has been screaming at me for days. But I'm ignoring it. Or I have been. I don't really have a choice now.

I spent a good portion of today sorting through books on my bookcase, some of which are now in a bag to go to a charity shop, others in boxes for the attick (sorry mom! I will try and clear some stuff out of there too!!) and others to possibly be sold via ebay if I can be bothered. And the reason I may sell them, is cause there is a mountain of them, so trying to make a few quid on them isn't a bad idea, I don't think.

My problem though, is that I haven't really stopped for the past two weeks. My body hasn't had time to recover from anything and now all it wants to do is not work. So my back is really sore again, all my aches from riding yesterday have grown tenfold and my wrists are really hurting simply trying to type this. So instead of heading to Church now, like I'd really like to, I'm staying in. And resting. Or, I'll try too!

Sorting out most of the books was easy enough, there were entire series' that I knew could just go in the lost, so they went. And most of the books going to the charity shop were easily decided too. My problems came with Buffy. I admit here and now that I'm a big Buffy and Angel fan. And yes, I have a mountain of Buffy books. Plus a few Angel ones. However, they've been untouched for years now, so really, having them all is a little bit of a waste of space. There are some I easily decided could go, others, not so. But by the time I was done, I had probably split the mountain in half. Which with the other books going or in the attick, I now have shelf space!! For probably the first time in, oh, I dunno, a year? Two? lol, there isn't much of it, but it's better than nothing. It will stop me worrying where all the new releases this year are going to go at any rate. Though I suspect next year I shall have to cave and get another bookcase. There are only so many books you can fit on to shelves!!

Happily, before all this mad sorting, I managed to get edits done on the next SoD chapter. Which I'm very happy about. And happier yet that there were hardly any to do! Thats what happens when you go over the same things half a dozen times when writing it cause you change stuff lol. So, that's basically done, just need to put them in on Word, cause right now their on the printed copy, and then on to the next, and almost certainly final, chapter. Joy!!

Okay, enough tired idot ramblings. I do have a half written review for Kelley Armstrong's Made To Be Broken done, expect that up tomorrow.

Good Days Never Start With Spilt Milk

That's how my day started, and it didn't improve. Clearing up spilt milk and a broken bottle may not seem like a whole lot, but when you have CFS and your muscles protest at working before you can really wake up, it becomes a bit of a pain. Literally. Not to mention energy sapping.

So not a good start to the day. And it really hasn't improved. I've been in a crappy mood all day and don't really know why. It was a little better at lunch time, playing with Breeze and Red helped, but I soon got annoyed again. Exhaustion creeping in again I suspect.

At least dying my hair yesterday was a good choice. I think I'd class the color as purple, but it is a little hard to tell. It could be classed as pink. Either way, I really like it. It won't stay, I'll let it go natural again once it washes out, too much hassle dying it to do it too often, but I shall enjoy it while it lasts.

Havn't been about to write anything for a, um, maybe a week. That's pretty frustrating too and not helping matters. And I can't settle in to reading right now either, which is a sure sign that something isn't quite right. Happens from time to time, where unless its a new book that I'm desperate to read, I just can't settle to anything. It'll pass soon enough, but not being able to settle to anything, reading, writing or otherwise, means I start thinking too much. Getting more and more wound up in my thoughts, making bad days like this even worse. Shouldn't let it. Should just accept that it's a bad day and move on. But I can't. I think too much.

Going to go feed my rabbits now, get some ice cream (ultimate comfort food) and try and read for a bit before bed. Maybe.

Late Night Ramblings...

Again.

I really do need to get out of this stupid sleep routine, but oh well.

I've been spending the past couple of days sorting out my room, and I always forget how long it takes. Even if I could do more than CFS allows me to it would take forever. I always think 'oh I just need to move a few things, tidy up a little in the wordrobe maybe, throw a few obvious things out.' But it never happens like that, before I know it, I'm sorting everything. And I really mean that. Most of the rooms been tackled now, tomorrow I tackle the top of my wordrobe. That's going to be the killer. There is a massive amount of stuff piled up there and it will take a long while, longer than I expect I'm sure, for me to go through it all. Right now I have a few piles of random stuff scattered around my room because there's no point puttin stuff away when I'll likely want to move it, or add things to it once I've sorted through the wordrobe. So for now, just a mess. A mess that will probaby triple tomorrow. Sigh. Worth it, but totally, totally draining.

My main aim for this week had been to go shopping in town one day, that day was going to be Tuesday, then Wednesday, now at the earliest it will be Thursday. If, big if, I don't end up overdoing it tomorrow. Which is highly likely. So, that probably means shopping next week instead. Amazing how simple plans end up being derailed. Well, I'd go shopping and sort out tomorrow, but I can barely do one cause of CFS, so sorting comes first. That way, if I decide I need anything, I can get it at the same time.

Thankfully, I've not been too tired to write. Though I will be if I keep being hit by midnight muses. That happened a couple nights ago. I hadn't touched SoD c11 for a couple days and I just opened it to look and see what I thought I might do the following day, instead I started writing and didn't stop for about 2 hours. Got some stuff in there that I hadn't been planning on, but I really like it, so it's a good thing. Currently have c11 in 5 different word documents though, which I simply find amusing. It's a long chapter, but not nearly long enough to warrent that! Still, it's all good. I managed to get more done again today, until I hit a block that can't be overcome with out sleep and rest, but it's coming on really well. Easier than any chapter since the first couple I think. Which is nice. That said, the next could prove tougher. I know what's going to happen in it, it's been roughly plotted, but I think I'm still going ot struggle to write it. Still, almost there. It will soon be all finished.

And in time for Spring Harvest, just like I promised Emma. Though I admit, when she said last year it had to be done so she could read it all this year, I thought 'Sure, no problem. If it takes me even close to that to get it finished, I'll be really fed up.' And here we are only a couple months from SH and it's not yet done. But it will be. It has to be. That's the deal.

Hopefully Not So Bad...

I've just been rambling on in an email to a good friend about how odd I've been feeling lately, so hopefully it won't spill in to this for a change. Other than writing that of course.

CFS is a strange thing to deal with. You have to think about how something is going to affect you the day or even days after you do something as well as the day you do it. Now, having been ill for 9 years now, you'd think I knew that. But, when I agreed to see to a friends dogs for an hour twice a week, I forgot that. Now, it's not somethign I regret or that i'll stop doing, but having not ridden last Saturday due to the weather, I've noticed I'm not feeling nearly as bad as I have been this time of the week. So, it's made me take notice of things. Like how doing stuff 4 days a week, in a row, is a really bad idea for me. And yet I do it anyway. Nothing to give up. Well, anymore, this coming Sunday will be the last Mettle Sunday I help at, and then I won't have anything to give up. Nothing I want to change either. Just need to find a better way to do everything and not suffer so badly for it. Ha, if that's even possible!!

Getting more regular sleep would probably help *glances at the clock that reads 12.04am and knows it will be at least an hour before she goes to bed* ...but I'm kinda addicted to my late nights!

Ill. Again

A very common thing for me this time of year, ill for a couple of weeks, a little better for a day or two, then ill again, for a total of around 3 months. Still well in the grip of that right now and it's starting to show. My last post was almost a warning sign. For a couple of days I was feeling very down for no real reason. Early signs that maybe depression is creeping in. Again. Except, things are going fairly ok right now, apart from being ill, so it doesn't entierly make sense. Mostly right now I think I need to take it all as a warning sign. Stay busy, keep my mind occupied, not allowing myself to focus on the bad stuff, just keep going.

So when riding was cancelled yesterday due to the snow and ice, I spent time writing again. For some reason I've avoided it for a few days, yet wanted to write a lot of the time. Strange. Anyway, I deleted about a page and a half to start with and wrote that section again, and I'm much happier with it now, though there are still edits required to it I'm sure. I hope to be able to settle and work on it later, but it will really depend on how I'm feeling after Mettle. And right now, I don't feel good!! This chapter of SoD may be the strangest I've written yet. I wrote the beginning followed by the end (though there's a bit to tag on there) and now I'm working on the middle. Never worked that way before, but it's working in this case. It will all need some smoothing over to make it flow I suspect, but it should be easy enough once I've finished the middle section and I've read it all through together. I hope! I'm so close to the end of this fic it's driving me crazy. I can just about see the finished thing in my head, and now I just have to get it on to paper, or in to Word suppose. Just a couple more chapters to go, actually, probably one after this one and this is half done! So close, yet so far. Now If I could just have some more energy to allow me the time to work on it, that'd be great!

Exhaustion

It's been a bit of a long few days. Went shopping on Friday morning to stock up on books (8 of them to be exact) and so I've been reading a lot since then. I bought a couple by authors I've not tried before, so I'm looking forward to finding out if they're any good. Then horse riding yesterday, which went well, but Winston was being lazy, so it was a little hard going. Then a trip to town for The Mix tonight. Again, a good time, but I'm shattered now. A bad cold on top of things is not helping matters.

What's bothing me though is getting in to the middle of SoD chapter 11. My muse is being reluctant to come to the fore. It's there, constantly teasing me. But it's not quite wanting to cooperate with me right now. A little furstrating as I very much want to get this fic finished. I've been working on it for so long now, and I'm wanting to move on to other things. But I don't want to start anything else whilst I'm trying to finish this. I already have my VA fic to work on as well, adding another story to it is not a good idea! Plus, my next project will be a bit different and I want to give it the attention it deserves.

A few quiet days would probably help everything, but sadly that doesn't seem to be an option in my life right now. Which, for someone who has very little energy to give, is not a good thing!